Can't Buy Love

Focusing too heavily on the “for richer” part of the nuptial vows could spell disaster for a marriage, according to research published today by Brigham Young University.

In a survey of 1,700 married couples, researchers found that couples in which one or both partners placed a high priority on getting or spending money were much less likely to have satisfying and stable marriages.
“Our study found that materialism was associated with spouses having lower levels of responsiveness and less emotional maturity. Materialism was also linked to less effective communication, higher levels of negative conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and less marriage stability,” said Jason Carroll, a BYU professor of family life in Provo, Utah, and lead author of the study.

Researchers gauged materialism using self-report surveys that asked questions such as to what extent do you agree with these statements? “I like to own things to impress people” or “money can buy happiness.” Spouses were then surveyed on aspects of their marriage.

For one out of every five couples in the study, both partners admitted a strong love of money. These couples were worse off in terms of marriage stability, marriage satisfaction, communications skills and other metrics of healthy matrimony that researchers studied.

The one out of seven couples that reported low-levels of materialism in both partners scored 10 to 15 percent higher in all metrics of marital quality and satisfaction. Interestingly, the correlation between materialism and marital difficulties remained stable regardless of the actual wealth of the couple.

O ye people! be mindful of your duty to your Lord, Who created you from a single soul and created therefrom its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear Allah, in Whose name you appeal to one another, and fear Him particularly respecting ties of relationship. Indeed, Allah watches over you. (Al Quran 4:2)

Wrong Concept of an Ideal Husband

A look at the matrimonial section of an Islamic magazine will quickly demonstrate that many Muslim men and women do not know what an ideal Muslim husband is. Muslim men looking for wives advertise themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure. Muslim women appear to be on the lookout for an established professional or more likely a handsome MD. Rarely do Muslim men and women even mention character, religious convictions, and attitudes as a priority. At most, they might be mentioned as a sidebar. It seems that many of us believe that a man is an ideal Muslim husband if he is handsome, makes a lot of money, and comes from an influential family. And the divorce rate among Muslims continues to rise.

There Are Things That Money Just Can’t Buy

Be sincere in your relationships. Don’t run after money,fame,physical appearances or any other materialisms. The Ideal Muslim Partner should be humble, gentle, kind, considerate, caring, loving, open to good advice, willing to cooperate with others in the family rather than dictate rules, helpful in the house, involved in raising the children, and never abusive either physically or mentally.
Try to explore your happiness, your pleasures, inner peace and ignore this materialistic world. One can never feel so comfortable in a home full of love and care than a house full of material, money, gold, diamond and electronics.

Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. ” (Muslim) And he said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari) And he said, “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. ” (Muslim) The same holds true when looking for a husband, as the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. ” (Tirmidhi)  

Do not marry women for their beauties; it is possible that their beauties cause them to become morally corrupt. Do not marry them for their wealth because their wealth may cause them to go astray. Marry women because of their piety. There is no doubt that a woman whose cloth is torn is superior to women who are better. (Ibn Majah)
Finding out the true emotions and relations is far way important than bagging the materialistic pleasures.

Copied from the following link:

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2011/12/cant-buy-love-materialism-kills-marriages-islam-gives-the-remedy/

Taking a "Break"

By Huda Gamal Al-Deen
Assistant Editor – Egypt for OnIslam.net

What is the ‘break’, is the break to maintain a healthy marital relationship. A Break in a relationship could have a positive outcome for some of us, if one wants to avoid a ‘break up’.

My first time to hear about the notion of a ‘break’ in a marital relationship was from a friend of mine who was newly married. My friend was joining us on a 3 day trip. I could not hide my astonishment when I found her joining us on her own. She had only been married for a year at this point and I thought it only logical to see them as a married couple. I did not discuss the issue with her, as I thought that there must have been a kind of personal problem between her and her husband. I was sure that my speculations were right when on the first day of the trip she did not receive any phone call from her husband.

By the second day, I noticed that my friend was on a pretty long phone call, and it was very obvious that she was enjoying that conversation, while walking on the beach at sunset. I knew then that she was talking to her husband. I decided to go ahead and ask her directly, why her husband did not join us on the trip? I was surprised when she told me that her husband was with his friend on a three day trip, and I was astonished when she told me that they were having a ‘break’.

For a while, the word ‘break’ sounded so strange to me, it was more like ‘break-up’ or something else with a very negative meaning. I asked my friend about the meaning of the ‘break’.

A Way to Breathe Life into the Marriage
She told me that the ‘break’ is a healthy way to revive, strengthen, and give life to the marriage. My friend, who was taking the advice of a marriage counselor, as her marriage was not working out well lately. She said she had started to get bored with marital life, and lots of problems were creeping into their marriage.

After trying lots of unworkable methods to control the constant arguing and quarreling, her counselor told her that this is the right time for both of them to have a ‘break’. A ‘break’ whereby each of them can calm down, relax, think alone, and get their energy back to continue the marriage in a calmer manner.

I contacted my friend later after the trip, and she said that al hamdu Lillah things were going better between her and her husband. She told me that the ‘break’ gave both of them the time and space they needed to get rid of their personal loads, think clearly, and honestly evaluate themselves as partners in this marriage. Each partner is responsible for the success of this valuable marital relationship. She also said that the ‘break’ made them both long for each other, a feeling that they both have not enjoyed for such a long time, due to the wear and tear of everyday routine.

There are some concepts you may need to make a use of. A successful ‘break’, as I figured out applied in the wrong way could seriously lead to a tragic ‘break-up’.

• Make sure that it’s the right way: The first thing you should know about the ‘break’, is that it’s not always the right way to solve the problems between married couples. That is why taking the decision to ‘break’ should be based on a marriage counselor’s direct advice, and with both the partners approving. When taking a ‘break’, both partners should be involved and should enjoy the break. This means that each must have a time off in the way he/she would prefer.
• Willingly not forcibly: If a partner decided ,after consulting with the counselor, that the ‘break’ is needed to heal their relationship, he/she should firstly take their partner’s permission. A ‘break’, is not a decision that you can take on your own, and then force your partner to accept. It is a decision that needs both of the partners to sit together and discuss whether it is the right solution to the problem or not. If one partner sharply refuses the ‘break’ concept, the partner in favour, if not able to persuade, should review the idea and be patient. Then they should try to search for more workable solutions that would suit both of them.
• A pause not a separation: When taking the ‘break’, both should keep in mind that it is only a temporary stop to think quietly and clearly. The ‘break’ is only a method that can lead to solving the joint unsolved problems between couples, thus it is important for both partners to remain in touch with each other. It’s not a ‘break up’ or separation period, but a pause. Marital life should resume in a healthy manner.
• To think not to run away:Some couples do treat the break period as if it is a period to run away from marital problems. Nobody can deny that the break can give both partners time to unload the daily stresses of life, but marriage is a responsibility.Use the time to think about solutions and methods to make marital life more balanced. If both consider the ‘break’ as only a vacation from their marriage, their unresolved problems will remain the same when they both come back together. The ‘break’ is not only to relax it is an opportunity to think.
• Short not long: As some old words of wisdom say “distance makes the heart grow fonder”, the long term ‘break’ is the shortest way to ‘break-up’. The effective ‘breaks’ are those short periods ‘break’, which only make a couple longing for each other. Make sure you don't cut off communication with your spouse for more than three days, because this is against the sunnah.

There’s no specific duration of a successful ‘break’, as it mainly depends on a couple’s personal needs and nature. For those who experienced a successful ‘break’, the acceptable period never passes a week.

The most important thing to realize at the end is that, the ‘break’ is only a suggested method to heal your marital problems, and it is not always the right solution. A warm discussion, an outing together, or straightforwardness could be more effective than the ‘break’ in some cases. You as a couple are the best to decide the right way to solve your problems, and how to sail your marital ship safely on the rough sea of life.

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2012/02/break-up-to-make-up/

The Love Letter

Many of us have taken someone in our lives for granted. Sometimes that person has caused us anguish, yet we underestimate how much we love them and how much we would miss them if they were no longer with us. A widow shares with us a glimpse of her marital bliss:

“A few years ago, my husband passed away. It was sudden and so unexpected. I was not ready for him to be gone so quickly. I still am not ready to be alone. We were married for over fifty years. How do you live with someone for fifty years and then move on from that, on your own?

Less than twenty-four hours before his death, we had spent the day by the beach, shopping together, eating out together, enjoying the beautiful weather together. We were blessed in our lives, even though things did not turn out the way I had expected. We did not always get along. Sometimes he did not want me to do the things I loved. Sometimes I felt like he was a barrier between me and my dreams. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I blamed him for what he stopped me from becoming.

But through the ups and downs, we were there for one another. It is comforting to know that there is someone who is always going to love you, to smile at you before you sleep, to tell you that he loves you after you are done arguing. To help you become a better person, even if it is a different person than the one you wanted to be.

My husband knew I am a cleaner. I like to take things out and dust them off and organize. Some time after he had passed, I was cleaning our home and thinking about him. I was reflecting on how I think he knew his time was coming. The month before he passed, he would watch the live prayers from Mecca for hours. He did not use to do that, but he suddenly craved it. He said it brought him peace. He said he wanted to visit Allah’s House, subhanahu wa ta`ala — exalted is He. Maybe Allah (swt) wanted him to visit Him instead. May Allah (swt) shower His mercy on him. As you read this, please take a moment to pray for him.

As I thought of him, of our memories, of our children, our grandchildren, the places we had visited, the sacrifices we had to make, the turmoil in our lives, the blessings we had together… I came across a paper, folded amongst the books I was organizing. I opened it and held my breath. It was in his handwriting.

“My love,

You mean so much to me. I love you.

-       Your husband”

I read it over and over, and I wept. He knew I would eventually see the note. Maybe he wrote it because he felt he would not be able to tell me in person sometime soon. Maybe Allah (swt) wanted to comfort me when He knew my longing was so intense.

I miss him so immensely. Yes, I did make sacrifices for him. And sometimes I was angry, depressed and resentful because of it. Sometimes I held on to my resentful feelings for years.

But if it took sacrificing everything I wanted in life just to spend one more day with him holding my hand, making me laugh, looking at me with love filling his eyes, humming in the shower, thanking me for dinner, hearing his voice speaking to our kids on the phone, or kissing me goodnight, I would do it. Just for one more day. He was worth it.”

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/love-letter/

Living with In-Laws

The Art of Living With Your In-Laws

With my in-laws back living with me alhamdulillah, it took me to thinking about living harmoniously and issues of control, privacy and co-operation.

I enjoy my in-laws extended visits, especially the long meals, the long walks and the long talks. This means that at the moment our home is busy but pleasant. It hasn’t always been this way though and it has taken a bit of work and growing up for everyone to get to this point.

Mum-in-Law

The first time my mother-in-law came to stay there were tears, arguments and sulks on both sides, with my poor husband trying to mediate as best he could. We are both fairly strong-willed and used to getting our way. We both had to learn that sometimes it is better to step back and let small things go.

The second time my mother-in-law came to stay, she had already been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and we were not sure how much time she had with us as she had been told her illness was untreatable. I wanted to keep her happy and as well as possible given the situation. She wanted me to be happy and at ease with her. The small things seemed so irrelevant, we had reached a point where we were both willing to capitulate to the others way of doing things.

So I suppose for my mother-in-law, the art of living together involved not “sweating the small stuff” as it were, letting go. If she wanted more chilli in the curry, fine. I didn’t want to hoover that minute, fine.

Of course, it’s not always small stuff. During a stay with her in Pakistan, she wanted me to take my hijab off for a wedding, I was mortified. I had to ask for assistance from hubby, who waited until my mother-in-law was within ear-shot and commanded sternly “just because you are going to a wedding, don’t think you can take your hijab off”. I was killing myself with laughter. That’s not to judge her harshly, because a year later when she came to stay with me, she left wearing hijab and abaya maashaa’Allah.

There was also the matter of control, at first I felt I could not cook what I want, leave the house in a mess if I wanted to or spend my money how I wanted to. This was not because of anything she said but because of my assumptions and because she would not sit still. She has worked hard and been careful with her money her entire life and sickness has not changed that habit. If the cooking or cleaning or laundry was not done she would rush to do it her way. So I learned to get it done myself at the first opportunity or delegate to my husband or brother-in-laws with the maxim that “your mum is ill, she needs rest, so get this done before she does” – I can’t believe this worked.

I also had to deal with my assumptions that she thought me lazy, spendthrift, or wasteful. She has never actually said any of these things so I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. I had to remember that I’m an adult and I can spend my time and money in the way that I choose. If anyone says anything about this, then I can take their comments on board and thank them for their concern but then totally ignore it if I choose to.

Father-in-Law

Living with my father-in-law was a whole different kettle of fish. I think he is wonderful, he is the doting parent that any girl would wish for and we have in common a liking for the things that bore the entire rest of the family: history, museums, academia (we both loved Stonehenge, whilst the everyone else could not see the interest in a bunch of old rocks). So you can imagine we have a mutual fan club there.

We weren’t without our teething problems though. Dad-in-law wasn’t aware of when he could be critical. So his comments about my cooking, how well my sister-in-law dressed and how beautiful she was knocked my confidence quite a bit. This was not intentional and if he had known he would have been mortified. I had to learn though to accept how I am and to accept my cooking as it was. I had to remind myself that I don’t have to impress anyone but Allah (SWT) and that I didn’t need anyone’s approval. I still don’t have much confidence in the kitchen, but I’m not too fussed anymore about what people think about me.

Regarding privacy, during the in-laws first visit, I was breast-feeding Gorgeous, so I had to make it very, very clear that when my bedroom door is closed, no-one comes in. That has held so that when I need quiet- or alone- time I can just go in my room and shut the door.

Brothers-in-Law

My brothers-in-law are my age and younger and are non-Mahram for me, although I think highly of all of them and we have a relationship of mutual respect, I still dress Islamically when they are around and cover myself, including at home. This can feel bothersome at times, especially as I want to look nice for my husband, but I am now used to it and to be honest this is not a problem when we only have the older brother-in-law with us because he is rarely home.

Uqba bin Amir reported Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) as saying:

“Beware of getting, into the houses and meeting women (in seclusion).” A person from the Ansaar said: “Allah’s Messenger, what about husband’s brother?”, whereupon he said: “The husband’s brother is death.” (Muslim 8:26:5400)

Although there is no obligation in Islam on a woman to care for her in-laws, there is an obligation to care for her parents. If we viewed our in-laws in the same way as our parents, with the same empathy and concern, we would be willing to change our behaviour a little and guide them gently to adjust theirs. Also, they ARE my husband’s parents and because of this, I want to help him serve them and make his way to his reward, inshaa’Allah.

Finally, we will all one day be old if death does not reach us first. The way the elderly are treated today is sad and frightening. What is to say things will be any different for us – alone, uncared for and robbed blind? I believe that we are paid back for what we do (Allah SWT is truly Just) and if we care for our elders perhaps someone will care for us. I also know that children learn from what we do and not what we say. If we make caring for our elders, even difficult ones, the norm in our homes, they might just extend the same treatment to us as the perfectly natural way to behave.

“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and that you shall show goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.” (Quran 17:23)“

Narrated ‘Abdullah: I asked the Prophet (PBUH) “Which deed is the dearest to Allah?” He replied, “To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times.” I asked, “What is the next (in goodness)?” He replied, “To be good and dutiful to your parents” I again asked, “What is the next (in goodness)?” He replied, ‘To participate in Jihad (religious fighting) in Allah’s cause.”

‘Abdullah added, “I asked only that much and if I had asked more, the Prophet would have told me more.” (Bukhari 1:10:505)

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2011/12/the-art-of-living-with-your-in-laws/

Pre-Marital Counseling

I spent my time at a recent wedding listening to people’s marriage problems. As the guests danced the night away in celebration, I sat in the back of the hall talking about shattered dreams and unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes, we had to scream to hear each other over the music. There was the young woman whose husband wouldn’t let her finish her education. Then, a friend wanted advice about dealing with her in-laws. And a mother cried as she shared her worries about welcoming her daughter home as a divorcee.

What a night! The reception ended with the passing of favors and du`a’ (supplication) for the newlyweds. I remember making extra du`a’ for the bride and groom. Dear God, please bless them with a lasting and healthy union. Ameen. I left the wedding in deep thought and had trouble falling asleep that night. I was so moved by the irony of that experience.

In just the past few months, a significant number of marriages in my community have ended in divorce. I know many more couples are on the verge of separation. Don’t get me wrong. I personally believe that divorce can be a healthier, and sometimes necessary, option. But why are so many marriages ending so soon? What needs to change to foster a culture of commitment and responsibility?

All the stories shared with me that night had a common theme: None of the couples had premarital counseling before they got married. No one had prepared them for the challenges of marriage, and many of their problems stemmed from issues that were not discussed before the wedding. A recent study1 about divorce in the Muslim community found that none of the divorced men and women in the study had formal premarital counseling, other than a brief meeting with an imam. Many of them wished they had been offered more extensive premarital counseling, and that they had easier access to counseling services once they were married and experiencing problems. It’s a sad testimony to the lack of marriage preparation in our communities.

When a couple announces their engagement, we rush to celebrate. Have we stopped to consider how much preparation and support the new couple will need for this decision of a lifetime? How many couples truly know what they’re getting into when they’re smiling for pictures on their wedding day? The love and excitement of the new relationship often blinds them from comprehending the reality that marriage is a sacred covenant with God. Wouldn’t it make sense to prepare for this spiritual partnership?

How is it that we invest so much time, money, and energy preparing for the wedding celebration and not for the marriage? We consider the smallest details for that special evening; yet we ignore the essential reason for our celebration—a commitment to spend a lifetime with another human being. As one woman said to me, “I had two months to plan for the wedding. I was in love, and didn’t have time to think about any issue!”

Many couples mistakenly believe that they don’t need counseling before marriage and that conflict should be avoided. However, a certain level of conflict is healthy and necessary, and premarital counseling can offer an opportunity to discuss potential problematic issues.

Consider premarital counseling before you make a commitment for marriage.

According to Lisa Kift2 , a marriage and family therapist, premarital counseling will help you:

1. Discuss role expectations. It’s important to talk about the responsibilities of each partner in marriage – who will take care of the finances, chores, etc? Discussing roles early on will clarify expectations for the future. 
2. Explore your spiritual and religious beliefs. What are your views on music, hijab, zabiha meat, and following a certainmadhab (school of thought)? Discussing these issues ahead of time will help determine your compatibility and help you learn to manage different opinions. 
3. Identify any family of origin issues. Much of what we learn about relationships comes from our parents and other family members. Identifying our early influences and discussing our learned behaviors will help us understand how this might play out in marriage.
4. Learn communication and conflict resolution skills. Couples that communicate effectively can resolve conflicts more effectively. This will allow you to spend less time arguing and more time understanding.
5. Develop personal, couple, and family goals. You are committing to share a life with someone. Isn’t it important to discuss what you want your future to look like together? Where do you want to be in three years? How many children do you want to have? Outlining a plan for life can be a wonderful way to learn about each other and to strengthen your commitment to each other.

Premarital counseling can protect couples from much heartache and conflict. Since prevention is central to our deen, many imams and community leaders now require premarital counseling and education prior to the marriage ceremony—a guaranteed investment in happier couples and healthier marriages.

What’s your take?

• Do you think that premarital counseling would be helpful to prospective spouses?
• What issues should be covered/ discussed in premarital counseling?
• How can couples be encouraged to attend premarital counseling?

Share your thoughts

• Macfarlane, J. (2012). Understanding Trends in American Muslim Divorce and Marriage: A Discussion Guide for Families and Communities.
• Adapted from Getting Married? 6 Great Reasons to Get Premarital Counseling

copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2013/04/want-your-marriage-to-last-get-pre-marital-counseling/

Importance of Play Part 2

Bismillah  

“You are your child’s very first and favourite playmate”

Best of Playtime

Playtime is fun, special and important for the development of children. Any activity can be playful for young children and can offer multiple opportunities to learn. Adults should therefore be ready to offer the right support and challenge the young ones. It is also important to remember that play is an indispensable part of a child’s upbringing and it is ultimately their future.

11 Points to Note about Play

1. Means to good health: Children, through active play and adventures, can be engaged in what can make them strong and healthy.


2. Learning through play: Through stories, role play and other methods , they can be taught about worship, history, culture and general education.


3. Skill building: Play is a good means of building thinking skills, curiosity and the ability to ponder over the signs of creation such as the clouds and animals. Children learn other life skills through play.


4. Good observation: Children’s responses to different situations while in play can be used to discover their interests and therefore help in nurturing them the right way.


5. Suitable play: Children should be allowed to play in an age appropriate manner so as to keep them stimulated. It is also important to create stimuli in their everyday activities since children learn from the environment.


6. Blessed play: Islamic teachings can be incorporated into play in as many ways as possible; and all activities should be started with Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.


7. Joining in: Participating in play activities with children can help open their minds; shape their personalities and develop positive aspects of their nature. An adult can make a big difference in how a child learns through play.


8. Every moment counts: Play can be fun and beneficial for both adults and children. When a child is engaged and notices the enjoyment of the adult, he or she will only want to play more – increasing learning opportunities. Such moments can also create positive memories.


9. Being spontaneous: Play should not feel like a huge burden or task. It should consist of a burst of excitement flowing around shared by everyone. Spontaneity adds to this excitement.


10. Being a good model: While playing, the adult(s) should set a good example – gentle mannered and patient especially while correcting the young ones. This will make it easier for children to imbibe later in life.


11. Every child is unique: Children are born with an individual way of experiencing the world. It is therefore important to use a suitable play approach to match each child’s temperament. And it is just as important to provide a range of resources as well as learning opportunities for each child, as some may have special skills or needs.

References:

•  Child Education in Islam by Abd-Allah NasihUlwan
• Parenting Skills Based on the Qur’an and Sunnah By Dr.Ekram & Dr. Mohamed RidaBeshir
• The Muslim Parent’s Guide to the Early Years (0-5 years) by Umm Safiyyah bint Najmaddin
• Using Toys to Support Infant-Toddler Learning and Development by Gabriel Guyton
• http://myprservices.com/kids/educational-kids-toys-child-learn. Accessed 26/01/2013
• http://www.zerotothree.org; Accessed 25/01/2013

Copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/lets-play-mama-importance-play-childs-upbringing-part-2/

Importance of Play

”Play is truly the work of childhood”

Three year old Hamza called after his mother, his soft voice filled with excitement. ”Mama, Mama….” he repeated, his voice getting louder. She turned briefly to look back at him even as she prepared to head out of the play area. Their play session, though very fulfilling, had sapped the little energy she had left in her, and she was already thinking about some of the house work that needed to be done before prayer time or before the baby wakes up. She was trying hard to pay attention to him.

”Yes Hamza dear!”, she managed to reply as calmly as possible.

”Let’s play again, Mama! Pleasssssse!”, Hamza said.

That stopped her in her tracks, she slowly turned around smiling and with a heart full of love walked over to where he was standing and gave him a big hug. He hugged her back, as she reflected on the last twenty minutes they had spent together. While Mama was ready to put her feet up, Hamza was only just getting started.

Children are undeniably a source of joy and happiness in every home. They cause chaos, mischief, laughter and bring smiles to faces around them. They can be messy, loud, difficult and very playful; yet open, forgiving and cheerful. We have been commanded to give priority to our families and children. They count as valuable investments for the present as well as the future; and ultimately the hereafter.

One single notable characteristic of all children is that they are quite playful. They love to play, naturally have a lot of energy, and are very physically active. Playing has many benefits in the life of a child, especially active play. While many parents and adults may consider playing to be nothing more than meaningless activities or a waste of time, it is in reality such activities that help children develop their intellectual function and thus making it an important part of the learning process.

Did you know that research shows that the experiences during the first five years of a child’s life have a major influence on his or her future successes and general aspects of a healthy rewarding life?

What then can be more important than investing resources and time into knowing how to effectively utilise the early formative period and even beyond?

Each one of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. (Bukhari and Muslim) 

To Play or not to Play

Playing is the means by which children learn – how they experience their world, practice new skills, and internalize new ideas. It is therefore the essential ”work of children”.

We have many examples from the life of our beloved Prophet Salallahu Alayhi Wasallam, who was fond of children and would often be found playing with them. There was time he was seen crawling on his hands and knees while Al-Hasan and Al-Hussein were riding on his back and he used to say:

"The best riders are you and the best camel is yours." (Sahih Muslim)

In another narration, it was reported that the Prophet Salallahu Alayhi Wasallam used to line up the sons of Al-Abbas (Abdullah, Ubaydullah and Kuthayyir) and say:

"Whoever reaches me first, I will give him such-and-such.” So they would race towards him and jump on his back and chest, kissing him." (Ahmad)

To be continued In Sha Allah……

Copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/lets-play-mama-importance-play-childs-upbringing-part-1/

How Men and Women Ruin Marriage

Notes taken from a lecture given by Sh. Musleh Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUxoNVMFsbI&list=WLAA7A1826CBF1F465

1.Problem:  Men are ungrateful towards wife, never thanking or appreciating her efforts

Solution: Follow sunnah of Prophet (S). He never said that he didn't like the food the servant made for 10 years, never rebuked him or yelled at him or hit him. Men should try to build content with what wife does and give something back. If you don't like something, still do something for her and kindly tell her.

Side note- Ibn Taymiyyah (R) said it depends on wife's culture if she has to cook or clean. If she had servant growing up, husband must get servant for her waajib.

2. Problem: Women forget to put on internal hijab but has external hijab, she has bad character, heart, attitude, gossip, lies, etc.

Solution: Clean heart and have internal hijab

3. Problem: Men lists all women's faults and covers his own faults

Solution: Prophet (S) women created from bent rib so treat them gently (doesn't come naturally to men to be gentle like it does for women)

4. Problem: Women tell their friends about husbands' family and problems, but tells them it's a secret (biggest backbiting is against spouse)

Solution: Stop gossip and backbiting (unless need help?)

5. Problem: Men spending too much time outside and not helping/supporting wife and spending time with her at home

Solution:  When men has to leave house, think about wife and don't stay long. Let her know when you leave, where you're going, what you're doing, when you'll be back, pick up her calls, etc.

Side note- Sh. Musleh gives example of a couple that he attended their wedding and the husband asks for coffee. Wife brings coffee and he says he wants another brand of coffee. She throws the cup against the wall and marriage ends right there. They were married for 2 days and got to know one another for 3 years and spent thousands on wedding. Happened six years before this lecture and both are still single.

Another example-Sh. Musleh trying to save a marriage and the main problem is that the husband would leave without telling wife what he's doing and she suspected haraam. Found out there's no haraam, but when she'd call him he wouldn't answer because husband doesn't like when wife bugs him.

6. Problem: Women nag and repeat things and bicker

Solution: If there's a problem, wait for most appropriate time to address problem (not when he comes home from work). A good time can be during a car ride.

7. Problem: Men spending too much time on technology and neglecting family, even ordering wife to bring food for you

Solution: Don't neglect family responsibilities

8. Problem: When men are in a bad mood, women don't comfort him or push his buttons (do something he doesn't like on purpose)

Solution: Be considerate and comforting, or give him time to calm down and then comfort

Side Note- In Ontario, in the first 2 years of marriage, the divorce rate is 65%

9. Problem: Men monitor women's modesty, conduct, and character but not fix his self (like watching haraam things)

Solution: Keep yourself away from haraam too

Learning to Co-Pilot

We made a commitment…

When I married my husband, I agreed that he would be the head of our home, that he is the imam of our home and I am under his leadership.

When entering marriage we are saying these things, not verbally (and sometimes verbally), but we know that with such a commitment there are things to be expected.

Every job has a boss, someone that makes the decisions and in our home our husband has the final say- he is in charge. May not be an easy pill to swallow, but alhamdulilah it is something that we must learn to submit to.

That does not mean we do not have a say in our homes and marriage, we can politely express our concerns and questions but the final say belongs to our husband. May Allah help us to respect that and be peaceful about it.

So subhanAllah it is incumbent upon us that we learn to be better co- pilots alhamdulilah, because sometimes we have the tendency to speak in a way that can insult our husband’s leadership and not trust that he is making good decisions for our family.

Once we have expressed our concerns, questions etc and our husband still goes in the direction he chooses for the family then just pray Allah is guiding him and opens our hearts and eyes to what is going on, because we may not understand why our husband is doing x, y,and z … if we were to understand it will help us to receive it better. Also simply asking our husbands what is the wisdom behind their decision will also help to clear up any confusion in the matter.

When attempting to understand the wisdom behind things it is important to know that wisdom is, (as my pilot taught me) to put things in their proper place and do things so well that it leaves no room for someone to say “why didn’t you do it this way instead?” or “don’t you think it would be better to do it this way?” As a co-pilot our job is to make sure we are gently helping and aiding our husbands to make wise decisions

When striving to advise our husbands it may be better to ask questions, not say “It’s better to do it this way!” “Do this, don’t do that!!” but it is better to say as a suggestion “Do you think it would work if we did it like this?” now we are showing him what we want and still giving him his right to make the final decision without being bossy.

So this reminds me of the hadith on the importance of being obedient especially when we may question it:

Anas bin Malik (radi Allahu anhu) reported from the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) that a man told his wife, as he was leaving his house, not to go out in his absence. Her father lived in the lower portion of the house and she lived in the upper portion. Her father fell ill so she sent a message and asked Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) what to do. He told her to obey her husband. Her father died, so she asked from the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) again regarding her case. He told her again to obey her husband. Then he (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) sent her a message saying, ‘Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) has forgiven your father due to your obedience of your husband.” [Mujamah]

Wow subhanAllah ..how many of us would have had a hard time listening to our husband in this situation? Some of us may have left any way, ignoring our husbands’ orders astagfirllah… but subhanAllah look how the father was rewarded due to his daughter’s obedience to her husband.

There is much blessings in listening to our husbands and being patient with their leadership.

Can we learn to better co-pilots? For the sake of healthy happy marriages and families we should! To please our Lord, we must!

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/learning-co-pilot/

Temperaments

In a two part series, Wise Wives Orange County was lucky to have Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi lead us in a discussion about temperaments and their effect on our relationships. Her talk was titled “Personality Differences: Know yourself, know your spouse.” 

She started by talking to us about the history of the idea of temperaments. It was created by Hippocrates in 450 BC. He determined that people’s behaviors were related to the presence of four humors, or liquids, in the body. From Hippocrates onward, the humoral theory was adopted by Greek, Roman and Islamic physicians, and became the most commonly held view of the human body among European physicians until the advent of modern medical research in the nineteenth century.

The famous Muslim scientist, Ibn Sina also further developed this theory. The four humors are: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood and each corresponds to one of the traditional four temperaments: melancholic, choleric, phlegmatic and sanguine. This theory was closely related to the theory of the four elements: earth, fire, water and air; earth predominantly present in the black bile, fire in the yellow bile, water in the phlegm, and all four elements present in the blood.

Hosai says that, “it is your reaction to stimulus and the duration of the impression that determine your temperament. Its not ones actions, it is your reactions…you look at how a person reacts to an emergency or when you receive pleasant news etc.”

Wikipedia explains these four temperaments as the follows:

Sanguine 

The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. They generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence. Sanguine people are warm-hearted, pleasant, lively and optimistic.

Choleric

The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to instill that in others. They are task oriented people and are focused on getting a job done efficiently; their motto is usually “do it now.” They can dominate people of other temperaments with their strong wills, especially phlegmatic types, and can become dictatorial or tyrannical. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be in charge of everything and are good at planning, as they often can immediately see a practical solution to a problem. However, they can quickly fall into deep depression or moodiness when failures or setbacks befall them.

Melancholic

The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and is given to thought. Melancholic people often are perceived as very (or overly) pondering and are both considerate and very cautious. They are organized and schedule oriented, often planning extensively. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry, art, and invention – and are sensitive to others. Because of this sensitivity and their thoughtfulness they can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world and are susceptible to depression and moodiness. Often they are perfectionists. Their desire for perfection often results in a high degree of personal excellence but also causes them to be highly conscientious and difficult to relate to because others often cannot please them. They are self-reliant and independent, preferring to do things themselves in order to meet their standards. One negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of other issues. Their caution enables them to prevent problems that the more impulsive sanguine runs into, but can also cause them to procrastinate and remain in the planning stage of a project for very long periods. Melancholics prefer to avoid much attention and prefer to remain in the background; they do, however, desire recognition for their many works of creativity.

Phlegmatic

The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. Phlegmatics are consistent, they can be relied upon to be steady and faithful friends. They are accepting and affectionate, making friends easily. They tend to be good diplomats because their tendency not to judge and affable nature makes reconciling differing groups easy for them. Phlegmatics prefer to observe and to think on the world around them while not getting involved. They may try to inspire others to do the things which they themselves think about doing. They may be shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. Their fear of change (and of work) can make them susceptible to stagnation or laziness, or even stubbornness. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive.

There is a predominance in each of us that but you could be a blend of these four temperaments. Take this test with your spouse to determine which one you are: http://personality-testing.info/tests/4T.php Stay tuned for part 2 while we delve deeper into these temperaments. Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Article by-Wise Wives

Copied from the following link:

http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/4931/

5 Common Disciplinary Mistakes

We can all probably spurt out a list of mistakes our parents made with us when we were young. For some reason, faults are often more memorable and vivid than the numerous sacrifices our parents made for us. 

Even though as parents we will make mistakes now and then when raising our children, it’s helpful to know which mistakes we should try to avoid when trying to raise them up to be good Muslims. Here are 5 discipline mistakes to avoid when directing your child toward proper behavior

1. Getting enraged when disciplining.
   
   
   One of the biggest mistakes parents make when disciplining their children is getting enraged when correcting them. Expressing your rage when disciplining your child is problematic for several reasons. First, it directs your child’s attention away from his mistake and causes him to focus on your wrath, instead. The object of discipline is to guide your child toward proper behavior for both the short term as well as long term. If your child is more worried about how you will react in your anger rather than what he did that was wrong, he is unlikely to benefit from you counsel or choice of discipline. Rather, he will become irritated himself and resentful. This doesn’t mean the child won’t comply in the short term. To the contrary, many children respond to an angry parent. What it does mean is that the lesson you are trying to teach may not sink in. It might even get lost completely depending on the extent of the anger shown. When disciplining, you want your child to behave not only immediately, but even when you’re not around, as well. Responding to your child’s misbehavior with shouting and aggression does not help him learn to self-manage his behavior. It merely teaches him how to respond to you when you’re angry.
   
   The second problem with expressing anger when correcting your child is that it provides the opportunity to be excessive when punishing. This can lead to abusing your child. Often times when a parent is angry, she vents the anger onto her child. She does this by using hurtful words or by correcting with excessive and harsh smacking. To effectively discipline your child, try your best to avoid correcting them when angry.
   
   According to hadith, The prophet (saw) has said: Whoso suppresses his rage, while he has the power to show himself, God will call on him on the day of resurrection before all creation, and reward him exceedingly. (Tirmidhi)


2. Comparing Children.
   
   One of the least effective ways of achieving compliance from your child is by comparing him to his brother or sister. “Hason always does his homework, why don’t you ever do yours, Jamal?”
   
   The problem with comparing your children is that rather than causing the child to want to comply, it makes him resentful of the other child and you. Sibling rivalry is common between children. There are many factors which contribute to such quarrelsome behavior. Comparing children to one another can accelerate disagreements between siblings, which only contributes to additional discipline problems in the household.
   
   Instead of comparing children, a better method would be to reward and complement the child when he performs as desired. This is more likely to cause the child to repeat the desirable behavior.


3. Do as I say not as I do.


Demanding of your children what you do not do yourself is bound to result in failure. Parents are their children’s first role models. Even older children, who model after their peers, continue to look up to their parents for exemplar behavior. “If Mom isn’t making Fajr regularly, why does she expect me to make salat on time?” your child might ponder. Being a parent is an enormous responsibility. An important part of parenting is being the type of person that you encourage your child to become.

Of course no parent is flawless. And this is OK. In fact, periods of failure can be a learning experience for your child. Let your child see you take responsibility for your errors—apologize to others in your family when you know you’ve treated them improperly. This will give your child an example of the proper way to correct his mistakes with family and friends.


4. Not respecting your child.
   
   As Muslims, we have an engrained understanding that children should obey their parents. Allah tells us in Quran about being kind to our parents. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) has instructed us to be especially kind to our mother. A child who is not respectful to his parents is certainly behaving in a way that is contrary to our religion.
   But not only should children be obedient and kind to their parents, . . parents should also be kind to their children. The Prophet (saw) has said: ”He is not of us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly.” (Tirmidhi)
   When interacting with our children and even when correcting them, we should remember to be gentle and kind with them. People are more inclined to pleasing those they have a positive relationship with. Speaking in a calm, respectful tone to your child does not convey a sign of weakness. To the contrary, it let’s them know that you are indeed in control—not only of the situation but also your emotions.


5. Expecting perfection.
   
   Often, when we catch our child misbehaving, we wonder why he’s acting in such an unpleasant way. We must remember that none of us is perfect. We aren’t, and neither are our children. It can be helpful to remember that we want Allah to be merciful and patient with us when we make mistakes. We should try to enact these same virtues when managing our children. When we accept the fact that our children will err and disappoint us at times, this helps us accept them as fallible humans and not view them as simply bad children. We are here to guide our children to be God fearing Muslims, but they have their own mind, desires, and temperament–it’s not easy to avoid sneaking into the cookie jar for one more of Mom’s delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Patience should be our motto when disciplining our children. This will help us accept those disappointing times when our children don’t live up to our expectations. It will also help us become a more superior parent to help us avoid the 5 common discipline mistakes parents make.

Copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2014/03/5-common-discipline-mistakes-parents-make/

Teach Them Young

MY nephew Hamza, huffs and puffs as I repeat myself for the third time instructing him to say ‘Bismillah’ (In the Name of Allah) before he eats his dinner. He’s hungry and as he just came back from school, all he wants to do is eat and sleep. He desperately looks over at his mother hoping for her to intervene but she looks away in support of what I am trying to teach him. Deep down, I wish I didn’t have to do this to my beloved nephew but I also know there’s no time like the present. My brother and his wife did not always insist on incorporating Islam into the daily lives of both Hamza and his younger sister, Huda. He might have been four and Huda, two, but I believe their parents should’ve started this from a much younger age.

My beloved nephew is stubborn (he gets it from our side) and as I am equally stubborn, neither of us give in. I tell him that he has between two simple choices; a) Say ‘Bismillah’ and you will eat your dinner and sleep, b) Sleep without dinner. Throwing a tantrum doesn’t help him and he insists on saying ‘No!’ even though I tell him; ‘Just say ‘Bismillah.’

I send him off to sleep and he cries in bed for a while until I feel guilty enough to go after him to comfort him. I tell him again, ‘Just say the word and you will have your dinner.’ He refuses and I leave the room amazed by his persistence. I think to myself ‘Poor child, it’s not his fault but he has to learn sooner than later.’ I briefly discuss the matter with my sister-in-law and she agrees that he should’ve been taught these basics before they became a burden.

The next morning, as my sister-in-law is getting him ready for school, she prepares him his breakfast as usual. From the memories of the night before, Hamza abandons his stuborness and rushes to say ‘Bismillah’ before the food was even served! Maskiin (poor thing!), he was obviously starving from the night before and didn’t want to risk anything even though we would’ve never deprived him of breakfast regardless of whether he said the word or not.

The important thing was that he learned a lesson and now, two years after that incident, I hear him say ‘Bismillah’ whenever he’s eating even if no one is paying attention. He even reminds others to say ‘Bismillah’ and both Huda and him exclaim ‘Alhamdulilah!’ when they sneeze.

This is a typical example of the difficulties one may face if they don’t teach their children at a young age and make Islamic teachings part of everyday life. Whenever I visit home, I do my best to spend time at my brother’s house in order to subtly teach my nephew and niece. I make them memorise Islamic nasheeds (songs of Islamic nature without music) for children as that’s one of the most entertaining ways to learn about Islamic etiquettes. I find it’s also important for them to learn about the foundations of the religion. My younger sister and I randomly ask them questions such as ‘Where is Allah?’ so that they point to the sky and say ‘Up! Up!’ or ‘In the sky!’ These little steps are essential in instinctively incorporating Islam in everything so that it’s an ever-present part of their daily lives.

I remember an exceptional lady I met few years ago in Mecca who told me how she teaches all her children to invoke Allah whenever they want something. She tells each of them to find a corner in the house and ask Allah from His favours, in private. From a young age, she instilled in them the importance of turning to Allah and seeking help from Him. Mashallah. Touched by this beautiful practice, I tried it with my nephew Hamza during Ramadan. One evening right before iftaar, I asked him to kneel down next to me and ask Allah ‘ANYTHING’ he wants as Allah loves to be asked, and answers our duas (supplications). Few days later, I saw his little hands covering his face, evidently supplicating. When I asked him what he was doing, he casually said ‘I am asking Allah for something’ as if he’d been doing it for years. Mashallah.

My mother’s friend has an amazing young boy that deeply loves Islam because his parents had instilled this love in him from a young age. When he was around five, he would fake a stomach-ache every Friday so he would miss school. But miraculously, he would feel better as his dad was getting ready for the Friday prayer. At first, his parents didn’t notice this ‘coincidence’ but in time, realised this was pre-meditated. But their youngest son Yahya was also special in other ways. For example, once his teacher complained about him for not looking at her whenever she addresses him in class. When his parents enquired about his seemingly impolite behaviour, he simply replied; ‘She does not cover her hair and wears low-cut tops so I can’t look at her when she’s talking to me.’ Subhanallah, how many adults do we know that think like that? May Allah preserve him and reward his parents with Jannatul Al-Firdous for such a remarkable upbringing. Ameen.

When I lived in Egypt, the youngest student in my Arabic class was a thirteen-year-old French girl. I loved to spend time with this young girl not only because I could practice my French and Arabic with her, but for her commendable manners and her knowledge of the religion. During break times we would discuss books we’ve read and exchange stories.

She would ask me if I had heard about the story of a particular Taabi (predecessor) or share with me a new hadith she had heard. She didn’t just love to read, she had parents who would make all their children sit together in the evenings and narrate to them stories and ahaadeeth (the sayings and traditions of the prophet Muhammed – Peace and Blessings of Allah Be Upon Him) that were evident in their children’s manners and approach to life.

Some afternoons, that young girl and her three younger sisters would come to visit my sister and I as we lived in the same neighbourhood. They would never come to our house empty- handed but would bring with them whatever sweets or drinks they could afford from their own pocket money. During their visits, we’d talk about different things, switching between French and Arabic, and whenever I tried to tell them a hadith or a story that was relevant to their young minds, they would tell me they’ve heard about it,mashallah. This meant I had to prepare in advance for their visits in order to have a story or hadith they hadn’t previously heard! Subhanallah, even the youngest of the girls who was then four years old, would sometimes tell us a hadith and in her baby-like voice say in Arabic with a soft French accent ‘Man qaala la illaaha illa Allah, dakhala Al-Janna’ (Whomsoever says there is no god worthy of worship except Allah, enters Paradise).

When children like these grow up and Allah protects their faith from calamities, they will grow up to be not just exceptional adults but also exceptional and exemplary Muslims that will insha Allah benefit the ummah, and raise a new generation of equally exceptional Muslims. Righteousness often breeds righteousness, and Allah protects the children of the righteous because the parents have protected the boundaries of Allah and taught their offspring to do the same.

What we teach children will be seen in their manners, astuteness and dreams, so make sure it’s worth teaching them. Many parental books will attempt to teach you how to raise your children but you should focus on the supreme code of conduct mentioned in the Quran, especially in the story of Luqman and the following advice he gave his son Tharan, in surah Al-Luqman (Quran: 31:13-19):

• Don’t associate partners with Allah. This is the ultimate form of oppression because you worship, glorify or depend on those who haven’t created you and can neither harm nor benefit you. 


• Be mindful of Allah as He knows everything that’s in the heavens and the earth, so perform good deeds, stay away from bad deeds and expect your reward from Allah.


• Establish prayer. This includes guarding its conditions, its pillars, its obligatory and voluntary ones.


• Enjoin good and forbid evil.


• Have patience with that which befalls you in regards to enjoining good and forbidding evil as this is from the firmness of one’s affairs and conduct. 


• Do not turn your face away with pride or walk on earth arrogantly for Allah does not love those who boast.


• Be moderate in your pace when walking and lower your voice for harshness of sound is an unpleasant quality found in the braying of the ass.

This advice from a father to his son is applicable to every era and to every Muslim as the ultimate parental guide to raising children that don’t just worship Allah accordingly, but who are also conscious of their conduct, even in the way they walk and talk.

Apply some of the points in this valuable advice before others so as to not overwhelm your children and do them according to their age and the soundness of their awareness. The superiority of this advice also teaches us that any Muslim, whatever their age or background, can benefit from it and apply the indispensable lessons in these verses in their own lives. It’s therefore never too late to learn, and it’s certainly never too early to teach.

Copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2013/10/teach-them-young/

Back to the Basics

The tools for bringing up children are all there (in the Quran, the Sunnah, and the examples of our pious predecessors), still adaptable in our day and age. But many of us act like poor workmen and blame the tools when the job “fails”, instead of our own lack of knowledge or attempt to apply it.

Mercy towards Children

So how was the Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) with children? Here’s a few hadiths, which we might all well know, to remind us:

• The Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) said, “He is not of us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honour the elderly” (Al-Tirmidhi Hadith) 


• Allah’s Apostle kissed Al-Hasan bin Ali while Al-Aqra’ bin Habis At-Tamim was sitting beside him. Al-Aqra said, “I have ten children and I have never kissed anyone of them.” Allah’s Apostle cast a look at him and said, ”Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” ( Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.26 Narrated by Abu Huraira RA) 


• The Apostle of Allah (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) came to some children who were playing: He greeted them lovingly. (Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5183 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik) 


• “I served the Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) for ten years, and he never said to me, “Uf” (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, “Why did you do so or why didn’t you do so?” (Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith v8 #64 Narrated by Anas (when mentioning his childhood))

From this we can deduct, that in the sunnah we have been given clear instructions to treat our children with gentleness, mercy and compassion. We have heard stories of how Hassan and Husain (RA) would sometimes climb on the Prophets (pbuh) back, while he was praying, and he remained in his position until they moved away, we know he used to go to the houses of some of his companions and play with their children. Mercy is the incredible gift of Allah Subhana Ta’ala that He bestows on parents, so that they would be able to take care, love and cherish their children.

Nowadays many of us seem to have lost balance though, and we are either too strict or too lax in our attitudes. So did the Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) ever discipline children?

Discipline

The Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) never raised his own hand against a child (or a women, for that matter), and we should do our best to apply to this sunnah. There are some hadith that people unfortunately take out of the context, misinterpret and then justify themselves, such as: Narrated Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Hang your whip where the members of the household can see it, for that will discipline them.”

However the hadith doesn’t advise us to use that whip, and the Prophet never told anyone to do such a thing in any other narration either. Islam is the religion of the middle path, and avoiding extremes. When are we, then, allowed to use physical discipline?

There are various opinions of how to discipline one’s children. Some groups advocate physical forms of disciplinary action, while other groups completely oppose of it. The Islamic way is a middle ground between these two ideologies. Parents are only given permission to lightly smack their children in certain circumstances and with restrictive conditions. [Mawsu’a al-Difa’ ‘an al-Rasul] Scholars note that it is permissible for parents to give their child a light smack if they’ve previously resorted to other methods of disciplinary action that proved unsuccessful. Or another example is if the child has reached the age of 10 years and refuses to pray, after the parents have attempted since the age of 7 to exhort and instruct the child to worship the Lord of the Worlds. [ibn Zayn, al-‘Uqubat al-Tarbawiyya al-Mufida]

If giving a child a light smack, one should know that

1. One cannot hit his face;
2. It cannot be a harsh or severe hitting;
3. It must be done with the intent to discipline the child, not out of anger; and
4. One cannot insult, degrade, or verbally abuse the child. Scholars concur that the best place to lightly smack a child is on the two hands or the two feet. [Mawsu’a al-Difa’ ‘an al-Rasul]

Scholars have also pointed out, that if we beat our children for minor issues (for example a child breaks our favourite vase, paints on our best abaya, pours a pot of curry on the living room carpet, etc (provided of course, that these are accidents, or that the child is small), or even if we clearly get angry and start yelling for these kind of incidents, what effect can we expect beating or yelling to have on them, when they’re 10 and (Allah forbid) refuse to pray? It will have no effect, whatsoever, except a negative one, because this will lead the child to think, that, for example, breaking a vase and not praying are in the same category (which of course they’re not. Of course the situation is different, if the child does these kinds of things on purpose, or when they are, let’s say, older than 7).

Favouritism and Empty Promises

The Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) also strictly advised us against having favouritism amongst our children. We should make sure we treat our children equally, at all times. We should also never make empty promises of lie to our children. Here are some ahadith to illustrate this:

• My mother called me once, whilst the Prophet (peace be upon him) was at our home and she said, “Come here, I will give you something.”
  Thereupon the Prophet (peace be upon him) asked, “What did you want to give to him?” She replied, “Dates.” The Prophet then said,
  “Had you not given him anything, it would have been recorded as a lie.” (Sunan of Abu Dawood Hadith Narrated by Ibn Aamir) 


• The Prophet (Sallallahu ’Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Act equally between your children; Act equally between your sons.” (Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 3537 Narrated byAn-Nu’man ibn Bashir) 


• I heard An-Nu’man bin Bashir on the pulpit saying, “My father gave me a gift but ‘Amra bint Rawaha (my mother) said that she would not agree to it unless he made Allah’s Apostle as a witness to it. So, my father went to Allah’s Apostle and said, ‘I have given a gift to my son from ‘Amra bint Rawaha, but she ordered me to make you as a witness to it, O Allah’s Apostle!’ Allah’s Apostle asked, ‘Have you given (the like of it) to everyone of your sons?’ He replied in the negative. Allah’s Apostle said, ‘Be afraid of Allah, and be just to your children.’ My father then returned and took back his gift.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.760 Narrated by Amir) 

You get what you give, inshaAllah

We should give these narrations the weight they deserve. We would all love our children to treat us the sunnah way, especially when we reach old age, wouldn’t we? But how can we expect this to happen, if we don’t ourselves raise them the sunnah way? At the end of the day, what all these modern child psychologists and super-nannies are saying is what already as Muslim parents we should know; to be loving, but firm. To be always be fair. To expect realistically. To communicate. And to know, that if we want our children’s behaviour to change, if we want them to become good people, we must first become good people ourselves.

There is a sunnah to following the sunnah – we need to understand the spirit of the sunnah instead of just picking and choosing what is convenient for us to follow, or what makes us look religious. A good general guideline (for dealing with our children, as well as everyone else) would then be:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to me, ”O A’isha, be gentle, for gentleness has never been used in anything without beautifying it; and it has never been removed from something without debasing it.” ( Sunan of Abu Dawood Hadith Narrated by A’isha) 

Copied from the following link:
http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/2013/08/back-to-the-basics-some-prophetic-advice-on-raising-children/